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chapter one

knowing men's Passages

understanding guys'S PASSAGESDISCOVERING the new MAP OF guys'S LIVESBy GAIL SHEEHYRANDOM condominium, INC.

or not it's a man element

    It has historically been assumed that age is kinder to men than to girls. My analysis over the last eight years has published a dazzling reversal: many men forty and over are having a harder time these days making a lovely passage into the 2nd half of their lives than are most girls. Why?

    women suppose pangs over dropping their youth.

    men feel dread.

    "it's the dread of losing efficiency!" says my buddy Fitzgerald. "it's imagining your self as an actor onstage who has lost his voice."

    There are some inevitable changes as they tramp the adventure of lifestyles. guys continually hit them as they would a brick wall--after which can also fall apart. if they knew what to expect in boost, it could help them to grasp these adjustments and cash in on them.

    The aspect of this booklet is to help men and their companions to outwit the inevitable adjustments ahead. nowadays, specifically for men below 50, the timing of marker pursuits--finishing school, first grown-up job, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement, golden years--has turned out to be unpredictable. What a person is supposed to do, and when, isn't clear. it is each wonderful and disorienting, like sailing for a new world but wondering if you will drop off the fringe of the old one first. The maps and charts are all out-of-date. Any man who feels a bit misplaced is rarely by myself.

    the 1st step is to keep in mind the passages that guys go through after age forty, and then to find, within the new map of men's lives, how one can trip these new passages for yourself with improved recognition and a passport to renewal. Even on a field as threatening as "male menopause," the information is decent and getting more suitable. it's steadily becoming identified as a mindbody syndrome it is completely regular, widespread, treatable, and often reversible. Pharmaceutical groups are racing to present men perpetual virility--via popping a pill. As immediate and compelling as is the situation most guys have with how their sexual efficiency might possibly be plagued by getting older, there's a great deal greater panic in restoring vitality and virility than inserting greater lead lower back in the pencil. mind-set matters as a minimum as much as bodily changes. The complete gamut of explanations and the astounding armamentarium for combating male menopause are spelled out later within the e-book.

    Why single out guys? it be now not as radical a departure because it could seem; I have been writing in regards to the predictable and unpredictable alterations of grownup lifestyles for each sexes because the ebook of Passages in 1976. but after twenty years of probing the psyche and interpreting the have an effect on of cultural shifts on each sexes, I confronted a humbling admission:

    men don't be aware ladies, but at the least they know it. women do not remember men, but they don't comprehend it. Does right here talk sound at all accepted?

    "what's wrong?"

    "Nothing."

    "Why won't you check with me?"

    "What about?"

    "About why you look so down."

    "i am just tired."

    "but you just take a seat around watching television. on occasion, which you could get probably the most tired from doing nothing."

    "i'm no longer doing nothing! There are issues I need to suppose about."

    "It seems such as you've come to some extent for your existence where things are altering for you. How does that make you feel?"

    "it's simply something you should go through."

    "i might want to assist. might not you check with me about it?"

    "what's there to assert?"

    "what's it you desire out of life? simply make up your mind and be straight with me."

    "I don't know what I desire."

    Most of us have had such conversations. i do know I even have survived a few of those attempting-to-support-but-only-making-it-worse dialogues. The presumption amongst ladies is that they be aware of what's wrong with their guys, and that they may repair it if handiest guys would pay attention. however do many women in reality know what it's like for a man nowadays?

    Milton Glaser, a legendary graphic artist and a smart and cherished buddy, made this observation of the cultural lag between the genders: "women are constructing a new belief equipment; a new means of viewing lifestyles is coalescing. Most guys don't know what's occurring to them. They would not have any thought what to agree with in. For a lot of us, the values they grew up with have been subverted and altered. men are astonished at this alternate; they haven't formulated a response to it. or not it's a time when men are very, very uncertain."

    guys may now not equate exchange with growth. often talking, they associate alternate with loss, giving up, being overtaken, failing. It isn't considered as a positive a part of inner boom and the road to a brand new variety of vigor. specially within the first half of their lives, guys are rewarded for placing blinders on and pursuing their narrow career path: life looks simple.

    "In my company life, i'm at all times telling enterprise leaders how vital it is to step lower back, analyze developments, see what the longer term may bring, and plan ahead for it," says a brand new York public family members man, "but in my own and profession life, neglect it." He expresses a male view as ancient as time: "I simply retain moving ahead in a sort of dumb-beast way, seeing the next possibility and throwing my spear at it, taking my lumps and hoping every thing will figure out for me. even if as men they are hardwired to consider that means or or not it's the consistent method of socialization, they just do not like to exchange."

    You may had been speeding alongside the route you put to your twenties when, all at once, the highway turns bumpy. or you hit a washed-out patch and cannot circulate ahead. Or the juice without problems drains out of your batteries. How do you recharge yourself? trade gears? Who do you turn to for aid?

    It has become a cliche to claim that men don't love to ask questions. certainly, here's no longer always actual. (My husband has stopped on the nearest gas station to ask for directions at least as soon as.) however guys haven't been taught to ask questions on their sexual life cycle or their fitness or psychological neatly-being. They don't consider they have got the time or need for such consultations--except disaster strikes. studies demonstrate that men make a long way fewer visits to doctors than women, and once they do go, they commonly don't ask any questions. underneath the silence and stoicism, however, most men over 40 sense that the playing field of life is radically diverse from the world of their fathers.

    An financial revolution such as the commercial Revolution is pitting mature men towards more youthful, computer-savvy digerati. experience may no longer count number for as lots in marketplaces concentrated on the now. no longer handiest are new capabilities demanded, for which a few generations--older baby boomers, the "Silent generation," the area warfare II era--don't seem to be organized, however a distinct perspective is required. The guidelines of the online game between corporation and employee have modified. You was once able to count on the company father--the farseeing, benevolent giver of rewards and reprimands. Now the provider is a virtual father--amorphous, nonhierarchical--and you may certainly not be clear where you stand.

    The floor of members of the family between men and women has additionally passed through an earthquake of exchange. guys of the child-boom and past generations were socialized, as boys, to count on a naturally prescribed function within the benign patriarchy portrayed in common lifestyle through indicates corresponding to Ozzie & Harriet and leave It to Beaver. As younger adults they were thrown off balance, ridiculed by using the ladies's movement, and later pushed aside through some tutorial activists as belonging to a continuum of "lifeless white men." In core existence they find themselves competing with a newly assured species of more youthful professional ladies. Add the drive to stay youthful and reveal perpetual virility, and a lot of of modern guys over 40 are in crisis. If a person continues taking part in through the ancient scoreboard and the historical timetable, he's likely to strike out.

    in this climate of uncertainty, lots of of men have talked to me candidly about every kind of forbidden subjects: their issues about growing older, the ebbing of genuine power and athletic prowess, their fears of dropping their jobs and their fathers, the meaning crisis they face on the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working better halves, their need to be closer to their toddlers before they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the entire question of potency in all areas of their lives.

    possibly you certainly not thought these questions would concern you. you will have certainly not concept about no longer being younger. a well-recognized entertainer become bowled over the first time lie went throughout the grocery store line and he checkout woman looked all the way through him. nevertheless handsome, notwithstanding his jawline is now a little softened, he's much less cocky and less confrontational; he looks to have calmed down and warmed up--features that could most likely boost his powers of appeal. Yet after they talked, he could center of attention best on the poor elements of these changes: "You feel separated from youth on the identical time you might be feeling diminished in genuine power and stamina; you delivery being omitted through younger guys; the intercourse isn't as brilliant because it turned into; an incredible want to be younger again comes over you."

    after I ask men if they ever speak over these questions with their male chums, they almost always shake their heads: "No."

    Why now not?

    "it be a guy thing."

    many of the time they don't even discuss these concerns with their other halves, who are sometimes preoccupied with their personal midlife alterations. After a lecture in Pennsylvania, i was stopped by means of an lively-searching lady with a publication bag slung over her shoulder. I begun again to college in my late thirties," she observed. "i'll have fun my forty-second birthday by way of getting my diploma as a scientific social worker. My husband kept complaining, 'you're altering. Why? i am the same man you married twenty years in the past.' Bingo! that's the intent we're getting divorced."

    The husband likely thinks that remaining the same, and hiding his feelings and frustration, is being manly. He may additionally feel stuck, even trapped, by way of his fiscal tasks. He expects himself to be the equal provider, the identical aggressive competitor he at all times turned into, expecting his body to take punishment and burn fat and appeal to girls the style it at all times did. but below the bravado he likely does not feel the same thrill of the chase he did in his twenties. His whole id is tied up with the popularity he has done to this point. If he lets go even a bit, what else is there?

    He can not imagine a way to alternate. Why may still he?

    When ladies in midlife go lower back to faculty, delivery new careers, or depart stifling marriages, for probably the most part they're exhilarated. even though their salary and status is not as fantastic as a man's, they derive more suitable pride--as a result of they begun with so a whole lot much less. The men they leave at the back of are often resentful, even jealous, having seemingly helped to finance a former spouse's emergence into the fame of "being my own person" at the cost of their personal revamping.

    Linear reasoning is likely to steer a person to consider, "once I obtain definite things, then i'll be chuffed." however isn't handiest titles and material accomplishments that count number. And when those external achievements fall to provide that means and joyfulness on agenda, men become frustrated. confused. angry. And ashamed to confess it.

    This male malaise has no name. it's a dark continent. Most men don't respect--or refuse to settle for--that they continue to go through different stages all over their grownup lives. And few guys I have studied are even aware that vital new passages still lie ahead--after 40. These crossroads demand a full stop and a pause to seem to be inward. They present a man with a chance to stretch and growth, or to lock in and regress. it's quintessential to let go of a little manage all through these instances of passage in order that an historic shell may also be sloughed off and house made for a yeasty, multidimensional "new self" to develop.

    Transitional durations are all the time unsettling, for anybody. but a scarcity of focus makes it greater probably that a person might also slide into melancholy and do all types of self-damaging issues. more commonly than no longer, guys don't seem to be even aware of being depressed. They begin slipping down the cliff, inch through inch, whereas clutching frantically for anything to hold on to or effectively numbing themselves to what appears like an inevitable descent down the back side of existence.

    This ebook presents a brighter outlook, according to analysis with ultra-modern new men. it is men in core lifestyles who've the finest possibility to turn into masters of their fate--stronger enthusiasts, superior fathers, more true to themselves and their personal values, freer to specific their emotions and activity their creativity, more influential, greater collaborative, more non secular. They want most effective expertise and a intellect open sufficient to obtain it.

    however time is operating out! now not practically as fast as you think. basically, the middle years are the stage of skills maximum well-being within the lives of suit educated individuals these days. You do not agree with it? accept as true with some information:

ARE YOU organized FOR one other lifestyles?

We are living during the gold standard miracle 'in the background of their species--the doubling of lifestyles expectancy since the industrial Revolution. lower back when the USA turned into centered, lifestyles expectancy at beginning stood at most effective about 35 years. by way of 1900, it reached 47 years. one of the crucial astounding tendencies of the 20 th century has been to stretch the existence cycle with the aid of a regular of thirty years--more than the full gained over 5 thousand years going again to the Bronze Age! one other shock of good information on lifestyles expectancy seemed 'in September 1997 'in the big apple instances:

In 1996 alone, American guys brought six months to their lifeexpectancy and reached a new high.

    That become in keeping with an evaluation of U.S. essential information with the aid of the centers for ailment manage. The common male existence span is now 73 years. it's also catching up with the female life span (now an average of seventy nine), as the number of AIDS deaths and the *incidence of heart disease and cancer decline. Between now and the yr 2030, the share of individuals over age 65 will essentially double. And this might be true, even sooner, all over the place Europe.

    quality, you may additionally say, but if a protracted lifestyles span ability spending years with my bulb dimming and my physique falling aside, overlook it. they all seem to their fathers and moms as mirrors of their personal ageing. those are miscues in lots of techniques. When their fogeys became 50, they notion they were old. They concept they have been historic. seeing that 1950, unimagined advances had been made in medicine; and, more pertinent, public health education throughout the mass media has induced profound adjustments in own habits. people in core lifestyles nowadays have a really diverse lifestyles profile from that of their parents, who were expected to turn off their intellectual engines in their fifties. They did not dream of running marathons or gulping down hormones to hold them randy until their eighties.

    people are maturing previous, physically, but taking longer to grow up emotionally, and a whole lot, an awful lot longer to develop historical. For the middle courses, formative years is now extended unless the conclusion of the twenties. Their First adulthood simplest starts off at about age 30. someplace across the midforties they enter an important passage into what used to be a fairly staid, if now not stagnant, core age.

    Yet they seem to be more reluctant to grow up than ever before. Of the hundreds of guys over forty whom I actually have interviewed, most consider they're 5 to ten years more youthful than that imposter whose graphic someway slipped inside their passports. today the midpoint of adulthood is no longer always 40--it be more like 50.

Fifty is what forty was once.

    if you are a man now in his thirties, forties, or early fifties, that you could regulate your lens on getting old. Beneficiaries of the growth in guys's health, biotechnology, and brain research, you belong to a species extraordinary in the world, a species whose life span will routinely prolong into your eighties and nineties. This skill you have to prepare for the possibility of a different lifestyles--beyond the ordinary roles and tasks--because the years from forty to 80 or 90 offer you an entire new playing box: what I call your "2d adulthood."

    In 2d maturity you start to learn that fulfillment In life isn't in as a result easily racking up points on a single scoreboard. quite, there are a number of distinct scoreboards--as son, mate, father, pal, colleague, mentor, group clever man, benefactor. The essential innings of 2d adulthood are neither played by using the same rules nor scored within the same approach as a younger man's game. however most men are so focused on winning within the first half, they continually miss the signals that can put together them with a winning method for center and later life.

    Gary Markovitz, as an instance, was a pretty good soldier. Having served in Vietnam and again to faculty to train as a technocrat, he had described himself for seventeen years absolutely within the context of his business. "When people requested me what i am, i was an IBMer," he admits. "no longer Gary who labored at IBM, however an IBMer."

    by means of his midforties he started to ask yourself if his batteries were wearing down, nevertheless it failed to turn up to him to wonder what else he may have fun with doing. He heard about his business's buyout present while on a business go back and forth to San Francisco. at first he had no hobby in it. but on the aircraft ride domestic he discovered himself considering a chum's fresh funeral. the person had come up in the course of the ranks at IBM with Gary and had suddenly handed faraway from melanoma.

    Gary found himself ticking off, finger by using finger, simply what number of americans can be counted on to demonstrate up for his own funeral. He didn't get very some distance. What value did he have backyard IBM? He notion about his oldest son, who turned into already 25. earlier than long, there would be a grandson sitting on his knee. blameless and adoring, the boy would ask him, "Grandpa, what did you do this supposed whatever?"

    I made funds.

    "It didn't circulate the grandfather test," Gary determined. "I could be doing better things."

however i am now not equipped!

a person in his late forties in a Minneapolis audience expressed a common concern of guys: "provide it to me straight. Do I need to lose vigour as I grow older?"

    On the opposite. The energy of mind, rooted in event, best raises as they meet the predictable crises and accidents of existence and find their resilience. an entire new stage has spread out within the middle of existence: the "Age of Mastery," a bonus stage from a long time forty five to sixty five. The passage from First to 2nd adulthood and into the Age of Mastery definitely transforms the thought of vigour.

    child boomers want a ebook to their middle life. Theirs can be a company-new adventure, filled with surprises. 4 out of each ten American adults belong to the child-increase era, which, in accordance with my analysis with the united states. Census Bureau, have to be divided into two subgenerations. The innovative can be called the "Vietnam generation" (born 1946-1955). here's President Bin Clinton and British top Minister Tony Blair's era, which they describe as being amazing in ideals however indifferent to the old ideologies. Boomers now of their early forties to early fifties came of age expecting that everything would at all times get more advantageous, and for most of them, it did. The spirit of the sixties formed their utopian recognition, and vestiges of that spirit are still with them, tempered by using the cynicism of the instances.

    The more youthful half of the boomers--the "Me technology"--got here of age within the Seventies (born 1956-1965) and neglected much of the idealism of the Vietnam era, however focused extra on very own construction. They dreamed of attaining the perfectly balanced existence and accordingly continue to delay taking on most of the responsibilities of full adulthood. but they're much more tolerant of egalitarian marriages, homosexual partnerships, single parenthood, and different social experiments. both halves of this dominant era have always been incredibly individualistic and consequently irreconcilably divided. however on one challenge they seem to be in complete contract:

Boomers don't accept center age.

    Boomer guys don't see themselves as getting older. and they definitely do not assume any changes of their top sexual efficiency--it can ensue to other guys, but no longer to me. Yet secret doubts lurk, and a single episode of slackened sexual ardor can carry the query: is this the starting of the dreaded falling off?

THE need to KNOWAND THE fear OF figuring out

In lectures in keeping with my closing e-book, New Passages, one query is always certain to come up: "Is there a male menopause?"

    there's a need to understand and an equally weighty concern of understanding. when I first became aware about the phenomenon, the evidence from guys changed into in particular anecdotal. Six guys sitting round a midtown long island bar after work--virile revenue managers and a hit retailers--all of whom appear to be backing up the hill from their midforties towards the incredible divide at 50. they've a few drinks, and, inside my earshot, one brassy boyo challenges the leisure: "tell the certainty. How repeatedly have you faked being asleep when your wife gets into mattress with a glow in her eyes)"

    every man laughs. Then a crevice falls open within the conversation. the man within the vigour tie who posed the query reaches out for a lifeline: "I imply, doesn't that turn up to you guys?"

    bound, Mr. Winkle would not like to drink," a further man says, chuckling. The leisure chime in, putting off the problem on overwork, stress, having a couple of too many.

    however these occasional elements do not do much to light up the mystery of why so many guys in middle lifestyles regularly lose their vitality and virility. They see slightly older friends trade from being bullish, buoyant, and decisive into being down, depressed, listless, and lustless. They wonder: Will it happen to me? Of path, being guys, they refuse to talk about it. At most, the area is couched in jokes and jibes.

An older man is running down the street when he hears a frogtalking. The frog says, "if you opt for me up and kiss me, i may turninto a gorgeous girl."

the man picks up the frog and puts It Into his pocket.

"aren't you going to kiss me?" the frog complains. "i could become an exquisite lady and you can have me all you need."

"i might somewhat have a speakme frog in my pocket."

what is happening? Are they speaking comfortably about aging? sure, but additionally about a larger problem to a person's view of himself--an identifiable phenomenon with physical, hormonal, psychological, and sociological accessories--it truly is now trendily referred to as "male menopause." "We don't yet have a time period for this 5- to 12-year duration of midlife in guys, but they comprehend it is shared via each genders," acknowledges Dr. Eliot Sorel, president of the area association for Social Psychiatry and clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington college faculty of medication.

    It quickly became obvious to me that if menopause is the silent passage, male menopause is the unmentionable passage. It is only as primary because the ending of the fertile duration of a girl's existence, since it strikes at the core of what it's to be a man--the issue a man has all the time counted on to bring him pleasure, the thing that has worked for him a whole lot of instances, mindlessly, like a desktop, via himself or with any number of partners, the source of his fantasies, the sword of his dominance, the very root of his evolution as Homo sapiens--his youthful sexual power and efficiency.

    within the April 1993 concern of vanity reasonable, with Sharon Stone on the cowl stripped to the waist and cupping her naked breasts, my male editors allowed me to post one of the vital first full discussions of the subject: "The Unspeakable Passage: Is There a Male Menopause?" Ever due to the fact that, men and women have been speaking privately to me about this problem with out a proper identify. Interviews with greater than a hundred guys between the a long time of 40 and 70 about this discipline revealed that the majority had been shunted from the urologist to the psychiatrist to the surgeon and ended up completely puzzled. I actually have additionally accompanied the work of some two dozen scientific consultants during this slender field who study and deal with guys over 40 suffering from some diploma of sexual dysfunction *in mid- to later life. whereas the broader medical institution nonetheless by and large geese the discipline, the mass media also stay cautious of touching the discipline, and that i found out why.

THE EIGHT-HUNDRED-POUND GORILLA

in the future in the fall of 1996 I obtained a call from a dynamic young producer on the severe CBS journal display forty eight Hours. Chuck Stevenson had read my work on male menopause and interviewed some scientific specialists, and he desired to position together a bit about guys in center lifestyles in sexual crisis. Chuck was most effective 41. a little young to be brooding about male menopause?

    "definitely, i'm discovering the discipline captivating," he spoke of. As he noticed it, "The precursor to men's midlife disaster is reduced sexual capacity, which then triggers all these numerous psychological emotions."

    i was delighted with Chuck's enlightened method. He and correspondent Erin Moriarty got here out to do the interview in the garden of my domestic in Berkeley, together with a 3-man creation crew.

    For the interview, Chuck wanted to the touch on "technical menopause--that small percentage of guys who basically would not have the testosterone."

    What I basically desired to focus on was now not the small percent of men who're already so incapacitated they may searching for surgical reduction My subject is the complete center latitude of guys who have no idea what is usual and who, when their sexual habits or efficiency adjustments, develop into so embarrassed or ashamed that they pull far from any intimacy. On digital camera, I described essentially the most regular scenario:

The longer this difficulty remains unstated between a pair,the more titanic it grows, except there is an eight-hundred-poundgorilla within the bed room. no person mentions it for sixmonths, two years, five years; meanwhile, the pair stopshugging, stops holding fingers, stops touching altogether,moves to separate beds, to separate rooms, and ultimatelyseparate lives. They turn into estranged in all types of intimacybecause of this sexual shutdown.

When the shoot became over, I asked the producer how the piece could be titled and promoted. "it really is going to be the toughest component for us," Chuck Stevenson admitted. "How can they make this section circulate devoid of scaring off men? They can not say 'midlife disaster' or 'exchange of lifestyles.'" in the end, the phase changed into titled "Undercover," which became inoffensive however meaningless. Nothing turned into left in about the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. Chuck mentioned that the piece did not work. The purpose, he told me with feel sorry about, turned into the colossal sensitivity of senior community executives to letting us discuss impotence.

    but it surely turned into the response of the television production crew that proved the most fascinating. normally, a digicam crew tunes out whereas filming and just specializes in doing its job. whereas they mentioned the male menopause, these three guys blanched and reddened, however they hung on to each observe. After the taking pictures they caught round to talk.

    i wished to hear about it," one of the vital cameramen referred to candidly, "but I do not are looking to discuss it."

    "It turned into hitting too near domestic for me," admitted one more crew member. He was in his forties and living through divorce hell. She changed into the one who left. "What actually must be observed is the undeniable fact that when a man has a midlife sexual disaster, people commonly say, 'it's all on your intellect, snap out of it.'

    "however's really a part of the natural path of activities," one of the crucial cameramen tried to reassure him.

    "it's appropriate," talked about his colleague. "i can see now the place you might get that rhinoceros on your bed room, or whatever you called it-"

    "An eight-hundred-pound gorilla."

    "Yeah, and blocks might kind."

    "That made experience to me, too," said the cameraman, "as a result of when communique breaks down in a marriage, it be all long gone." all at once his colleague had an Aha! moment--one of those little epiphanies that all at once throws a floodlight on what one's life is definitely about.

    "it's what happened in their marriage! no one really talked in regards to the gorilla. They just grew further and further apart. I don't believe find it irresistible was my fault. i was doing my responsibility, doing what i was speculated to do. i used to be simply waiting it out. She received uninterested in ready, and it came about all of a sudden--the wedding fell apart."

    Doing one's duty and never speaking in regards to the inner crumple of one's whole idea of oneself is an all-too-normal "manly" stance at midlife. This e-book is supposed as a friendly guide out of such useless ends. No man may still squander his valuable life "just ready it out." And once he discovers the enjoyable new map of guys's lives, laid out right here in records as well as many residing examples, he should still be lured to explore new continents of creativeness and event by no means earlier than dreamt of via previous generations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C) 1998 G. Merritt organization All rights reserved. ISBN: 0-679-45273-7 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONTENTS

writer'S observe.......................................................XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS....................................................XIX part I: WHAT DO guys need? Chapter One it's a guy factor....................................3 Are You organized for an extra existence?...........................8 but i am now not competent!..........................................eleven The should understand and the worry of realizing....................13 The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla.............................14 Chapter Two the brand new MAP OF grownup life..........................17 The wife's Nightmare........................................20 What to Do with All This Leftover lifestyles?.....................22 part II: FLOURISHING FORTIES Chapter Three WHY DO I nonetheless think LIKE a child?..................27 The arrogance disaster...........................................29 A Flagrant Freedom..........................................32 the father-Son Midlife power struggle.......................36 when you Comin' home, Son?..................................37 The lifeless Father.............................................38 The Midlife Delinquent......................................41 Chapter four MANHOOD ON TRIAL..................................45 Yuppie taking part in catch-up.....................................forty six Banker "Excessed" at domestic...................................47 the sole Breadwinner's Insecurities.........................forty seven The Idealist's Angst........................................47 a tough Time to Be a man in His Forties......................50 Confronting the "False Self"................................fifty two Are You What You Smoke?.....................................fifty three "The massive not possible"........................................fifty five The Reluctant Father........................................58 First Fatality Jitters......................................60 relocating Up the Mortality Markers.............................63 Honor amongst men.............................................sixty four Manly activities: greater than only a game.........................66 latest Manhood models......................................69 Chapter five MARRIED AND MORTAL................................seventy eight The Aha! second.............................................seventy eight The coronary heart of the matter.....................................81 The Stonewaller's defense...................................eighty five The difficulty with better halves......................................88 part III: FEARLESS FIFTIES Chapter Six PASSAGE TO YOUR 2nd maturity...................ninety five The Samson advanced..........................................ninety seven Mature Masculinity.........................................a hundred Former seasoned football big name...................................102 Geezer in Graduate school..................................103 Globe-trotting Journalist Turns Gardener...................103 The Fearless Professor.....................................106 past energy...............................................108 Barry Diller's seek Self.............................112 Prospero's Passage.........................................116 Welcome to the Age of influence............................118 Chapter Seven REDIRECT YOUR lifestyles before THE HAMMER FALLS......121 The darkish night of Joe O'Dell...............................122 harmful Defenses.......................................a hundred twenty five The Comeback of Joe O'Dell.................................127 they will on no account fire Me......................................128 The Rebirth................................................131 The Window of possibility..................................133 Midlife funds Realities....................................135 What could Spook John Wayne?...............................136 surrender "i'm the massive Shot".................................137 building a crew............................................139 Opening the spiritual Dimension............................141 locate Your passion and Pursue It............................a hundred and forty four Chapter Eight LOVE AND warfare WITH other halves, FATHERS, children......146 From Competing to Connecting...............................147 Gender Crossover: comfort or disaster?.......................149 coaching the train.........................................151 Withholding intercourse............................................a hundred and fifty five The defense net wife........................................157 Making the Crossover Work..................................160 brain-sex changes..........................................161 Mellowing Out..............................................162 Empty coronary heart................................................163 Mr. mom....................................................164 Father hunger..............................................166 Letting Go of a growing Son................................167 what number of guys chums are you able to count number?........................169 The Nest Is Empty--Are You ready for Love within the Morning?...................................................172 half IV: WHO'S fearful of MALE MENOPAUSE? Chapter nine THE MALE SEXUAL life CYCLE.......................177 Magical Expectations.......................................178 The Male Sexual lifestyles Cycle.................................181 The Unspeakable Passage....................................185 guys Behaving Intelligently.................................189 intellect over Manliness........................................191 Chapter Ten secrets OF PERPETUAL VIRILITY.....................193 Would You somewhat Have Steak and a Smoke Than Be a Sexual Athlete?............................................194 Magic Bullets..............................................196 When Sunday-Afternoon football Is better Than sex..........198 Free Testosterone!.........................................200 DHEA: a person's grasp Hormone...............................202 Chemical Machismo..........................................202 Couples Work...............................................205 The Testimonial girl......................................209 Teaming up to discover the appropriate medicine.....................210 half V: INFLUENTIAL SIXTIES Chapter Eleven PASSAGE TO THE AGE OF INTEGRITY................215 secrets and techniques of neatly-being in the Sixties.......................216 Imagining the Paul McCartney Retirement domestic...............219 do not Retire! Redirect!....................................220 looking on your Postcareer career.........................222 His and Her Retirement Fantasies...........................224 Chapter Twelve growth VERSUS DESPAIR........................227 The Black Tempest..........................................229 don't returned Up, severe Tire harm!.........................231 aid isn't complicated to Get....................................233 i am not Having a coronary heart attack!............................236 Absorbing the Blows of destiny................................239 part VI: WHAT keeps a man young? Chapter Thirteen UNCONVENTIONAL wisdom........................243 Do men must Die sooner than ladies?.....................245 Unretired Champions........................................248 growing to be and Regenerating mind.............................251 religious starvation...........................................253 Love within the Twilight of existence...............................254 A Lusty wintry weather.............................................255 APPENDICES APPENDIX A.....................................................259 coping with Job Loss.......................................259 techniques for Surviving Job Loss in middle life...........260 substances: profession Counselors...............................261 APPENDIX B.....................................................263 elements: Couples remedy.................................263 APPENDIX C.....................................................264 browsing for a doctor/Male health health center...................264 components: Physicians and Therapists for Sexual health concerns..............................................265 APPENDIX D.....................................................267 Preretirement Couples exercises............................267 APPENDIX E.....................................................268 Warning signals of melancholy................................268 BIBLIOGRAPHY.......................................................269 INDEX..............................................................275



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